Langston Hughes: Mother to Son

Langston Hughes

Cover of Langston Hughes

I would tell both my children this and anyone else but always emphasize that every bump, bruise, and scar I have earned is more beautiful than the last and more worth the one before. All simply because they were for the people and the things I love. Which is always the way it should be. Would that I were a fairy, I would have flown to you all by now, with goodies, flowers, and coffee. Oh. AND A MAGICAL MAID that cleaned your house in ten seconds. I doubt I have time to scream, “HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!” and throw glitter at every one of my beautiful friends who are mothers and have mothers that deserve celebration, thus I give you this.
Mother to Son by Langston Hughes (1922):

Well, son, I’ll tell you:
Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
It’s had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.
So boy, don’t you turn back.
Don’t you set down on the steps
’Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.
Don’t you fall now—
For I’se still goin’, honey,
I’se still climbin’,
And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

 

Have a wonderful day- Sara Rose

Let’s make a few things very clear, after today.

I support our President.

 

1. I support gay, straight, kitty cat , whatever rights. This includes the right to marry whomever you believe.  We were founded, this here country, on the idea that we would not be oppressed. Ironic what we are willing to do to ‘not be oppressed’ to this day.

2. If you do not support these same ideals, we can probably still get along. So long as you respect that I do. I always will and this will not change and you will not argue me into ‘seeing sense’.

3.  I do not believe in oppression. No woman has the right to have her mouth duct taped shut for having a brain. No man has a right to think he is better than any other man (I use this term as a go to for EVERYMAN). No person has any right to tell any other person that they are wrong for who they love, what they do (save unless you are homocidal), or what they need out of life.

4.  I will be voting for our President again this year. Maybe he hasn’t delivered 179.35 promises to you along with buttered toast and a kiss to your personal ass. But he works hard and he believes in good for everyone. I can get behind that.

We cannot be friends because you feel your rights are more important than someone else’s…we have a problem, you and I. It’s a simple one. It’s that we’re not friendly anymore because no one is better than anyone else. Nor can they decipher happiness and choice for others.

I am also ashamed of what happened in North Carolina today. Deeply. We all should be. This doesn’t just affect ‘gay people’. But I’m too damned tired and shocked to explain WHY.  I am so shocked and tired that I may honestly ban divorce in my household until gay marriage is legal. BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD THINK THAT IS INSANE. Right.

I can’t imagine the idea that I have to explain this to my children someday.

 

I also live in a world where my love is rainbow colored…I hope that isn’t too hard to understand.

Sara Rose

 

Post Surgery Update & Thoughts.

Campanula scheuchzeri

 

Campanula scheuchzeri (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Also, the Campanula symbolizes gratitude and thankfulness.

Yesterday, was my first major post surgery dr. appointment. I’d had some scans and blood work a few times. Have had a few set backs. Mostly when I try to do too much or get too impatient with my body and the healing process.  Mostly, I have had a lot of time to think while I rest up and I did come to one conclusion, among MANY.  While I am proud to record this battle & I will gladly advocate against the silent horror that is ovarian cancer, I will most likely move updates on my progress to my family blog. Here is where I share my writing, my articles, and I would like to advocate in a broader sense.

Unfortunately, cancer, like so many other huge diseases, is something that steals life, even if you grit your teeth with a survival instinct completely wired into you.  It can become so terrible in such a short amount of time and do awful things to the well-being of not only you but the people around you. Ultimately, it just leaves you so exhausted.  But my personal journey should go back to remaining where people can read about it, yes. I find it that important. However, it’s time for us to talk about lots of other fun stuff here!

Well yesterday, I had my appointment and I got issued an actual formal apology! For the fact that things had gotten so bad, the doctor himself sheepishly apologized and said “Look, I absolutely should have fought harder for your case. I thought I was arguing for you as best as I could until I got in there and saw how bad off things had gotten. So, I am sorry.  I should have advocated for you MORE.”  That was probably the thing I needed to hear most from him. My insurance company is, of course, another story. They can send me maid service, a new vehicle, and really absorb all my medical bills. Oh, and get me laser resurfacing for all my tummy scars, lasik since I’m going blind, and Botox – just because.

Anyways. We looked at my blood work. I have improved. No tumors left. Some malignant cells, yes, so still in recovery mode. I would say improved by about 40%, but I have a long way to go. We talked about the fact that I still have break through pain. He mentioned something I actually HAD NOT thought of  in my increased bafflement over the breakthrough pain continuity. He said, “Really, Sara, things were very bad inside you. I took a lot more tissue and removed so much more than we had expected, initially.  My nurse & I has been making very sure that you are certain you want to continue on pain meds when you have pain because you are really educated and I know you understand what a slippery slope some medications can be.”

He seemed pleased to hear that I am trying to work through the pain and merely rely on small amounts of Tylenol or ibuprofen during the day and then heat and if needed a heavier pain med at night. I am a spaz-o sleeper. I swear I injure myself every night. I’ve made some strides on the malnourished front.  I’ve gained a small amount of weight back and my blood work looks a bit better. It helps that I can handle taking vitamins without throwing them up.

My appetite is slowly returning but I doubt it will ever be “normal” compared to what some people consider normal. I think I’m now always going to be a much smaller eater. Heavy foods, even in small quantities make me incredibly ill. But I try to get some good quality protein in, some fruit and vegetable SOMETHING in, and keep myself well hydrated. It’s been an absolute treat to enjoy coffee again- so much so that my birthday present to myself was two bags of coffee from one of my favorite coffee roasting companies EVER!

As I mentioned over on our family blog, we will be moving. We’re finally finished with our masters’ degrees, we have new job prospects on the horizon, and my mom needs someone to take over her old house now that she has moved. It is time for a fresh start.  My recovery has been extended until August, including chemo and some other meds. I try to do a bit more daily, but I really try to remain aware of the fact that I have to really LISTEN to my body, every single day.

That has been a gift, actually. We do not listen to ourselves the way we should and then BLAMO! We get cancer, heart diseases, fat, or just plain TIRED.  I’m happy to be on the mend but, in a way, yesterday was also a bit of both a relief and a let-down . . . if that makes sense?  It’s tiring that I have to do new things with my meds to get them to work, that I still have to take thing slow and steady, and that I also have so much on the horizon.

Good news is that I don’t seem to be the only one moving.  Apparently, my surgeon who is in charge of my recovery has accepted a position at a major hospital not far from where I’ll be moving too, so we can continue to work together. I can tell you that I was entirely unenthused about finding a different doctor to oversee all this.  Anyhow. I’ve been up since 2:30 am with another of my fun med insomnia attacks. Luckily, I am sleepy again.

I am blessed. So many of you came out in droves to support me. I can never repay you. I can write thank you notes until my hand falls off. Hopefully I can be there or you if you ever need me.  But, I pray that none of us have to go through something like this for a very long time.  Normal isn’t so bad.  I’ve missed it quite a lot.  Now, good morning but back to bed for me. MWAH and of COURSE, #GLITTERPOWER!!!!

Sara Rose._

 

 

The “Black Mark” on the Hunger Games . . . Again.

 

Meet Finnick Odair. Oh. He ain't white.

I credit the author, Suzanne Collins with a lot in The Hunger Games. She gave our youth a dystopian society where race was so mixed, so screwy and crazy . . . that it was of the few things that mattered.  Which is important, because sadly we have an African-American president and this still gives people diarrhea.  She gave us a young woman who was a role model for young girls to be strong, independent, and a credit to themselves. Oh, and to not starve themselves.

She also gave us a very sad portrait of what war actually can do to people, especially kids, and truthfully, she could have been so much more harsh about how badly civil wars treat people. This part is important because war will cause societies to fracture and remake themselves the best that they can. Which often means, *gasp* racial lines get mixed, and the most unexpected people are characters in stories.

WAIT, WHAT DID I JUST SAY????? I SAID PEOPLE. Not anything about race being a determining factor about whether you are part of a story line or not. There were only a few lines where race was a distinct mention or mental image in these books- the characters of Rue, Thresh, and Cinna. You understood Rue and Thresh were African-American from a few other disturbing things. In district 11, people were essentially slaves, working agriculture for wealthy land owners. If you were caught by your ‘owner’ not harvesting, etc., you could be raped, tortured, or killed.

 

Oh. Did I mention where they were from geographically matches for historically accurate places that used slave labor. Cinna may have been from the Capitol, but if you did pay any attention, ummm, he’s supposed to not be white. Why is this such a knee jerk thing, the problem with colors in film? I won’t even bring up that the runners up to Jennifer Lawrence for Katniss Everdeen were an unknown young actress of Bangladeshi descent (her mother is actually a popular Bollywood actress) and another actress of Sephardic & Moroccan descent (she’s actually super popular but again, not naming names). Point is, not caucasian.

Moving on. I guess a whole lot of people really wanted some sort of RPat type for Finnick. Despite a description of him being ‘bronzed, green eyes, and a fisher/sailor-man. I had a very clear idea in MY head of a very Mediterranean looking man. AKA, he may not be caucasian again. *GASP* Yes, I know, someone cart me away for being color blind. Jesse Williams, from the terror that is Grey’s Anatomy, got cast and I was incredibly pleased.  He’s of African-American/Seminole/Swedish/Greek descents.

He has bronze skin. He has green eyes. He has incredible sense of comedic timing and presence. He is both ‘American’ and ‘Mediterranean’ looking enough to fit what I saw in my head. It seems to blow my mind how people don’t seem to understand the color spectrum of how bronze is a shade of BROWN.  Also funnily enough, little known heritage fact, Seminole Indians and Swedish people are great fishermen.

The term ‘color blind casting’ has become a politically correct piece of slang for ‘use as many Caucasian actors as possible’ and it does a disservice to every actor out there. Whether you’re a Polish-French-Danish pale thing with a funny nose like me who, incidentally, during my theatre years- got cast in characters that could have been male or female, vixens, drunks, crazies, or seriously sad or stars like Reese Witherspoon or Denzel Washington, who are practically damned if they ever go against type, let alone ‘color’.

I easily saw a man like this for Finnick in THG. A man you couldn’t quite place, smarter than you thought possible because he was impossibly beautiful, and let’s face it- if you read the books- a man who is seriously abused with little chance at happiness. What I don’t understand is why in a dystopian world where race is something of a non-issue for every character, when we read and watch it and proclaim undying love for it HERE and NOW, we all seem to have issues with race within the cast.

This has to stop. We are sending a message to the young people watching the movies and reading these books. It’s the same message we were sending with the Harry Potter series. Muggles, or those of non-wizard blood lines, could not be discriminated against and tortured. It was a fight for an equal civilization. Let’s go ahead ad look at ourselves in those foggy mirrors because none of us want to admit the great big multi-ethnic elephant in the room is that so many people are still racist to the core.  What are THG books about?

That dissemination between classes is disgusting? That race is not an issue? That we fight for our kids to play together?   That choices define entire futures? Well then. We welcome a beautiful representation for ‘bronzed’ Finnick, just like we welcome a ‘fat’ Katniss.

Sara Rose

Never Lost.

 

 

“Adversity is like a strong wind. I don’t mean that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go.  It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely what we might like to be.”

Arthur Golden  Memoirs of A Geisha

What you are, my dear friend, is a beautiful fire reaching towards the sky. The winds may change your flames but they have not put you out.  The best part of you is that your fire never will burn out. Even if sadness or adversity. Look again at the world today, with you in it. We are with you and we love you.

Do you feel it? I hope the wisteria is beautiful, albeit, small. It will grow. I am proud to call you my friend and a sister. So many of us are. We stand behind you. We fan your flames.

All the love and glitter in the universe~

Sara Rose

#POETRYMONTH12: Nolan Again


Wow. I really am medicated and trying to recover. It took me 5 attempts to get the title of this written. Nolan has been very supportive and wonderful. This one is his.

starstuff

i.

in the beginning,
maybe before,
you and me,
we were the universe.

ii.

each supernova
is an ancient reminder:
Father Time is coming.

iii.

after all,
reduced to so much stardust,
scattered to the infinite corners of space,
we will finally return to the source.

I am the Lucky One. #POETRYMONTH11 E. E. Cummings

Purple flowers

Purple flowers (Photo credit: Wikipedia) And I even got a beautiful bouquet of springy, purple flowers from Brandee!

I have friends who will post things like these. And this. And this. And so many more who texted me, wrote me emails and messages, sent me pictures all day yesterday. It makes a girl very enthralled. People were not shy about showing love and support. It was and is wonderful.

In these last few months, I have felt so lonely. The loneliness getting to be a larger part of me every day and it infuriated me the most, because even when I am alone, it never bothers me! But, I suppose that it is true . . . there just are times, no matter when in life, that no matter how okay you are with your own company, you just don’t WANT to be your own company.

So, no matter your religious or personal beliefs and how they sway, I am certain that you can appreciate how grateful I am today. Because the one day I did not want to be alone in the world, I was not. Thank you, everyone and everything that made that possible.  MWAH. Again, thank you all. I cannot possibly list everyone.

I Thank You God…

By E.E. Cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any—lifted from the no
of all nothing—human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Post Surgery Follow Up. #GLITTERPOWERROCKS

 

Made for me by my lil bro, Matt. More here- http://mabrotherton.com/good-luck-sara/

*I shall warn you now. I’m very medicated. If this is incomplete, I’ll be re-editing or whatnot. LOL.*

We got up for driving to surgery about a half an hour late, which only basically curtailed my shower. I WAS bummed about that because I can’t really shower until tomorrow and I think it would feel so good on my sore, tired muscles. Ah well, my heating pads, coffee that I haven’t been able to have in a MONTH, and pain killers seem to be getting along nicely so far today. I woke up stupid early. But we had a huge storm, I needed meds, and I wanted coffee! So, I hobbled out and made my coffee and rested with eyes closed while my sun lamp worked its happy magic on my brain. Then Nolan helped me, my coffee, my heating pads, and stack of writing, camera to upload pics, and phone to charge, get re-situated in bed.

I’ve been hanging out here since. It’ll be med and nap time soon enough but I’d like to get some of my writing off the list, so that more staring can commence. Yes. Even in sick bay, I make to do lists. I ought to address this with myself. Later. So lets talk about yesterday! Everybody wants to know- everybody has gotten different snippets, so I’ll just write a short narrative of the day.

We had to go up to Sioux Falls Sanford Surgery Tower insano-early. But, Eva woke up before I left. I explained to her why we were wearing teal and pink, in simple terms, “These are the colors that will help me get better! What’s why we’re all wearing them!” and let her wear one of my special necklaces since she had been worried a LOT lately. Most kids know whats going on if you pay attention. But we tried to keep this simple for her because, I didn’t want to be scaring her or worrying her more.

Anyways, all the beginning nurses had the “I’ve been up far too early”, plastered smiles and speaking voices. But all went well. My anesthesiologist doctor left Nolan and I baffled. Nolan humorously even admitted as to why. Had NOTHING to do with my meds or the procedure. We were both just awestruck because he had the best skin in the world and obviously worked out but not in that “I’m overly lean and thin” OR “I am WAY TOO BUFF way.” As soon as the guy left the room, Nolan burst out “What does he EAT? How does he work out? What’s his skin care regimen? Because he looks too fantastic!!!” It was hilarious!

Anyways. Moving on from our skin care crush on holy hot Asian doctor.  Iv’s were started, pain and relaxing meds given, the surgeon talked to us. Nolan’s Chirpy Happy Nurse Liason about my surgery came in and introduced herself and she had great hair. It was starting to get weird how many people looked all astounding. Then it was time to move. Nolan got to head to a special place where you apparently get to watch text updates of what stage of surgery someone is in and the times they will be expecting to move on. I’m sure this and Chirpy Happy Nurse Liason made his day, lol.

So I had humorous  or weird pre and post op moments. As they were putting my monitors on me, starting my pain, sleep, etc., meds, and oxygen, I had my final moment of fear right then. I sat and thought ‘This just HAS TO go right. No matter what. I’ve fought too hard. I have to wake up in a better place. To me, there is no other option.’ Apparently we had gotten lucky too. Very lucky. Things had started to spread and attach to my stomach. I will NOT get more graphic than this. The deal is when cysts, tumors, or cancer move to your stomach or renal areas in massive quantities….

YOU GO HOME AND WRITE A WILL.

Only a small amount and started to spread and it was more endometriosis type tissues than cysts and tumors, but that is still scary because it can weaken the walls so much that it is very easy to spread everything and anything. Glitter power rocks. I was determined to have this surgery, get these things out of me so we could move to the next stages of recovery. But truly, if I and about 800 others had not so fervently believed that I would  get better, even this stage could have gone badly. I was determined we were going to have a successful day.

Next two funny stories. Now that we know that the surgery was right in the nick of time. Right before surgery, as monitors were being attached, hot Asian doc, and I were discussing hilariously the good points of the beaches and tacos served in different parts of Mexico. I remember saying, right before I went under “Won’t it be nice when I can FINALLY eat again? Sighhhhhhhhhh………..zzzzzzzzzzzzz”

When I woke up, the recovery nurse very gently asks me “Do you know who you are? Do you know where you are?> Do you know what just happened?” As per usual. This is the funny part. I stared at her for a minute and said hoarsely (the meds and breathing tube did a real number on my throat) “No. No, I really don’t. Can, can I have some ice? Maybe I’ll remember then?” After a few ice chips, I knew my name, where I was, and that I was out of surgery. I was also, of course, freezing, so I was COVERED in the warmed blankets. Suddenly my pain and nausea which had been at a low 5 or 6 in scale spikes. So I get meds. And I am itching everywhere, so I get meds. Then my pain and nausea, blissfully start to go away, and I had been watching the clock to make myself focus on becoming alert.

OUT OF NO WHERE, TWO MINUTES LATER EXACTLY, my pain and nausea spike to a crazy over 10 level and she got back super fast and I’m gasping “I don’t know what happened! But, but, but I hurt everywhere suddenly and want to vomit ice everywhere!!! Help!” She gets some different meds into me fast and in 5 minutes, everything starts to decline to tolerable. We waited another 45 minutes before I went back to a recovery room with more pain and nausea meds, ice chips and saltines. I couldn’t go home without keeping those things down and getting my iv done.

I had a young, funny nurse who didn’t have the “I have a happy surgery smile” plastered on. I worked on getting my teeny bit of food and liquid down, had to pee for them, then got another dose of pain meds, my iv pulled and sent home with all sorts of directions. We had a short visit with Jenn, who had brought Nolan some McDonald’s since he was starving and me lots of bubbly smiling. I texted and made phone calls as we went home to lessen that load for later.

I actually felt remarkably better by the time Eva’s soccer practice was over- so WE ALL ATE- EVEN ME!!! I managed those parmesan bread bites from Dominos whilst everyone munched on pizzas, then, since it was late it was bed and bath time for everyone. I was shocked. But, the dr and I had my post surgery talk and not only am I underweight but severely malnourished according to my blood work and I had this moment where I wanted to shriek “I haven’t been able to eat for 4 months due to meds and sickness. Gee. REALLY?”  But we talked over the surgery, my recovery plan, and what we could do to rectify being malnourished, which like I say “DUH.” So that’s fab.

Sleep last night wasn’t too fun but it was better than I’d gotten in a month. It wasn’t fun because I needed to wake up to drink, go to the bathroom, take meds, or re-position myself because of pain that there was nothing I could do about. I cannot shower until tomorrow and I can’t wait!!! I was so excited for coffee again this am, it was ridiculous.  Sipping away at it as I made, yes, to do lists, posts, emails, etc, was happy. I’m so sore and tired but happy to be home. And I’m really thrilled to have  finally gotten to take the first BIG step in recovery.

All day yesterday, people wore pink or teal, painted their nails pink and teal (with glitter, natch), made me get well signs and sent me the pics on Facebook, my phone, or email. It was so sweet. Thank you. It’s been a lonely few months. Seeing that kept my spirits up! I’m sure I will have more to write later but really. I must nap. Mwah!

Sara Rose

Pink and Teal Wednesday!!!

Ovarian Cancer Awareness Ribbon

 

AHEM. ***ANNOUNCEMENT***

Since my surgery is Wednesday, I must have the brightest, pinkest, glitteriest nails on earth. This shall happen tomorrow. I will not be facing surgery without battlefield pink NAILS. I encourage you nail painters to do the same! Then think about me, Weds, maybe? ;P

Or . . . there is the fun alternative of teal!!! Teal is the color of the Ovarian Cancer Ribbon. Maybe a teal shirt, a teal ribbon, or teal nail polish? (Teal eye shadow and pink lipstick are accepted but please, lets not get crazy here.)

Fave Pink- Nars Schiap

Fave Teal- Essie Go Overboard

The last request? Post pics to my page! Send me pics on my phone! Make me smile! I can’t wait to see all the pink and teal!!!! Please? And pass it along!!!! Wednesday, I shall be pink and teal and walk into my surgery as bravely as possible with an army or pink and teal behind me.

All the love in the Universe and More.

Sara Rose

 

#POETRYMONTH 10: Robert Frost For Nolan.

Robert Frost, 1913.

 

Robert Frost, 1913. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was at a loss of who I was feeling for poetry today, and Nolan giddily jumps around like a leprechaun and yelps “Robert Frost! Robert Frost! It’s totally a Robert Frost kind of day!” So. I don’t buy into Friday the 13th rumors but they applied to my search for a decent Robert Frost poem.  Apparently, Frost and I do not get along in our literariness.  Because nearly every poem I read made me homocidal or long to cut out someone’s tongue. But this one made the cut.

I spoke last night about how lonely things have been. I had no idea that when you actually say the words “I have ovarian cancer.” there are four types of people. Those who are originally your friends, say they’ll be there and then creep out of your life as fast as the creeping can allow. Friends who were more acquaintances that suddenly rally to your side and make you question what you were valuing in friendship previously. Then there are people you thought you were closer too who are completely out of touch and say things like “You have cancer? Wow- nobody said ANYTHING! and you awkwardly have to say, “Actually, yeah they have…” And people who suddenly want to know you because they have a weirdo love of hearing the gory details about losing 30 lbs a month, throwing everything up constantly, never sleeping, etc.

I’m mourning a bit. In a way, this is not how I thought things would go.  I was not expecting support groups and holding hands and crying jags with people.  Not at all. The people who have become my friends or remained friends through the ugliness of this, I am forever in your debt. There is nothing I would not do for my friends because I love them that much. For those who have crept out of my life as fast as they could without looking cruel, it would have been less cruel had you just walked. To steal my belief in you is fairly equal to death.  I just had hoped to be able to keep things . . . somewhat . . . normal.

But friendships do die. As a friend I was chatting with last night mentioned, and perhaps it is true, “You seem to have a real knack for seeing the actual mortality of relationships.”  She is one that has rallied to my side not only due to cancer but because so many other ties bind.  And ties do bind. I have been an only child and a solo traveler of this world my whole life. So I see the threads that link myself to my children, my husband, and my family and few friends. I see the places where they fray and I want to smooth them.

Perhaps that’s why this poem alone struck me. I am not so focused on my own mortality as some might think. But the mortality of relationships. It is so sad to me that people do not see it the same as it should be.

Fire and Ice

By Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.