A little under a year ago, I was watching Inception with my husband and daughter. Strangely enough, Owen had already gone to sleep and I have no idea why, he never goes to bed early willingly!!!! Moving on. This story has two parts. We get to the part where Dom is telling Ariadne the truth about Mal’s suicide and, as we watch, Mal jumps. Eva notices, for the first time, that during movies with suicides, particularly a jump or a hanging and alcohol, I always turn my face.
I have a strong stomach and heart but there’s only so much I can take. She noticed and asked, quite bluntly (ever my daughter), “Do you look away because of your father?” Me, “Yes, Eva. I almost always do.” She patted my hand and snuggled up to me. I moved on from it but we decided to put it on as background noise yesterday while we got some stuff done.
This morning, as I was doing Eva’s hair she seemed more pensive than usual. I asked why. ”I was thinking about Mal, leaving her daughter and son…. Like your dad left you and grandma.” “Why, sweetie?” “You must have been sad. Or be sad. Or maybe lonely or angry? I know you both have Mr. Fun (my awesome stepdad FYI) but is it the same?”
Do you choose honesty? Do you choose an altered honesty? Or what you tell yourself to keep sadness and anger at bay? I chose a combination. Because Eva will be 8 this year and there are some sadness’ she doesn’t need to know yet. ”By the end, Eva, maybe things were a bit like that movie- Inception.” “Where you build the dream for things to work out in certain ways?” “Yes and it doesn’t always go right, huh?” She shook her head.
Me, “Listen. You never need to worry if I’m sad or angry because I can’t watch a suicide. Someday I will tell you why or you will read it. Maybe, Eva, maybe, he might have loved you and Owen. But would never have been normal or nice. So what you have now, is so much better. Parents who love you. Your biological father. Friends like Tim and Cindy. Your wonderful grandparents on mommy and daddy’s sides. We will all never make you wonder about how much we love you.”
Then she started to recite something and I nearly cried. Verbatim from Inception. “ I’ll tell you a riddle. You’re waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don’t know for sure. But it doesn’t matter. . . . He is still waiting for that train to take him away, isn’t he? Like Mal.”
Me, “Paradox. He wanted a dream that was never real. Yes. Like Mal.”
I cried when I got home. My son with crazy hair who wants to run wild with the wind and my daughter who is neat and as controlled as I am .. . . . understands so much more than I sometimes want to admit is possible.
Sparkles and Glitter,